I stood behind a woman in church the other day that reminded me of Nanny. My mom’s mom, my grandma, but who we’ve always called Nanny. She’s in heaven now, but as I age I think more and more about her. And who she was to us grandkids.  Nobody has a perfect family, and every memory is full of emotion; some good, some bad.  But it’s family.  And it’s who we are.  And this is what I thought about during that service.

I couldn’t quite put my finger on WHY this woman reminded me of Nanny.  I think it was a combination of things.  Her coat, which was a London Fog-type of raincoat, which she kept on throughout the service.  She stood both proudly and a little stooped at the same time.  She had a young adult granddaughter with her, who was emotional.  I could tell that this woman was worried about the granddaughter because when the younger woman left the service, the Nanny-person kept looking back to see if she was coming back.  This woman’s face, though, had the most impact on me.  Her skin was gentle but wrinkled, her smile was quick to appear and transformed her face, and her worry evaporated when she smiled.

Although I cry at lots of stuff these days (so it’s not all that unusual), tears stung my eyes as I murmured the words of the praise songs the congregation was singing.  The tears started because I watched this woman worry about her grand child even while she carried on with the business of worship.  I could tell she had a vested interest in the girl, and wanted her both at church and by her side, because then she’d know she was safe.

All this makes me miss my Nanny.  I miss her little laugh that could turn into almost a cackle of delight whenever we grandkids goofed around.  I miss her cooking with love – which she did to show us she loved us.  I miss her little rain coats, which she usually kept on whenever she left the house.  Some of you may remember her black shoes; she also had a tan pair.

Bags of Weaver’s chips, tupperwares of chocolate-covered peanut butter balls, that weird toast they used to make.  It was like thin-sliced bread and some brand that we never bought in Hastings.

Thanksgiving dinner with a bunch of us.  At the stretched table at 4400 High Street.  Thanks, Nanny; I love you.

I try not to be too serious, but I think sometimes that’s bad for me. At my place on the trail, in my 40′s,
it can’t be all fun and games and jokes. I have 3 marvelous children. Marvelous – as in I marvel at them. Whether they think so or not, they look to/at me for guidance and direction and approval. I matter to them, and what they do matters to me.

So, I resolve this year to be a student of humility. I need to work harder, do the ‘big-talker’ thing less, but at the same time, make my words mean something. Clete Doyal once said, in a sermon, “the richest heads of barley hang lowest to the ground.”

Keep an eye on me; help me out.

We had the best time tonight with our visitors!  Sarah, Ann, Kerri, and Matt came over to goof off and catch up on old times.  Angie and I were youth workers at church with Sarah, Ann, and Kerri, back in the early part of this decade.  The “aughts”, as I like to call them.  As in, “aught-three”, which would mean 2003.

We had taken two mission trips together.  2001 to Honduras and 2003 to Ciudad Juarez.  It is impossible to describe how bonding those two trips were and still are to me, to Angie, and to all of us.  Just how bonding is more clear than ever after we spent time together tonight.  We laughed non-stop from 7ish to after 10. I’ll tell you more another time.

Anyway – when I ask myself, “Did we waste our years working in youth ministry?”, I can add this night’s gathering to the loudness of my “NO”.  Now THAT is a good kind of humble.  THAT is a good kind of love.

pretty cool.

No hymn causes my eyes to sting with tears faster than this old classic.  My Aunt Kathy sang it once for a recording, don’t remember where, and whenever I even see those words in print I hear her voice lining those words.  Moving water hypnotizes me, and water that flows right by where God sits (“that flows by the Throne of God”) brings bright hope to even the most dreary of days.

Music, in one phrase, can remove the dry wood surrounding my heart and replace it with living, vibrant, hopeful spirit.  It readies me to face the day and raise my chin with assurance.

Over a year has passed since I had the heart to visit this blog, the place where I would do more than journal, more than catalog, more than recount what’s important in my life.

We’ve moved far enough in our world that the landscape LOOKS different.  When you hike somewhere without a trail, it is wise to turn around and look backwards from time to time.  Otherwise, the trip back turns into getting lost, rather than retracing steps.  One side of a mountain pass looks way different from the other side, is all I’m saying.

We are out of youth ministry.  We’ve left our church of 14 years.  We’ve found joy, peace, solace, understanding, acceptance with a new set of friends.  Not like we’ve given up on all our existing friends, but some new ones have risen in our awareness, while others have faded into “used to be”.  It’s ok. Some days it’s a huge deal, others it feels good to travel light.

A new day.  A new map.  A new hilltop to stand on to look at where we are.

If we aren’t supposed to throw our pearls before swine, then who ARE we supposed to throw them to?

We can’t just keep the pearls to ourselves, because how does that benefit the kingdom?

On the other hand, there comes a point when we just shouldn’t bother to get through to people.  You know, when you keep trying to explain what you are talking about, and you get the same stare back?  The one that says, “I hope he finishes soon, because I want to go do something else – how soon can I split?”.

What I love about God is how easily he can stir our hearts to Him.  How quickly we can go from comfortable to agitated, all because He needs us to do something for Him.  Like go talk to a friend we just walked by and ignored.  Like call someone who we got a sudden thought about.  Like ‘facebook’ a friend who we haven’t checked on in a while.  That stuff, those feelings, are from God!  The Holy Spirit part of God that needs us to be aware of our people and make sure that they are ok!

This story I love.  Last Wednesday at the high school service our new leader, Scott, sensed the tension and agitation in the room.  He changed the whole service around to be obedient to God’s nudge.  At the end, the pastor made time for those kids who were hurting, or lost, or confused, or upset, or dead inside, or angry, or all of those things to just come up and be bathed in prayer.  So MANY kids needed to feel God that night!  I praise God for being there!  God softened hearts by the handful that night, and we got to be there to see it.

I love God’s grace that lets me stumble into His presence even when I am not paying attention.

Do we ever say no to a person loving us?  Can a person love someone with agape love (agape pronounced “ah-gah-pay” and meaning selfless love without family or sexual ties or overtones – pure like Jesus loves us),  if they don’t know Jesus?  Matter of fact, can they love with agape love if they don’t know Greek? or what the definition of love is?

My great friends and I had a brief discussion tonight about perfect love.  Specifically, what is the driving force or motivation behind loving someone perfectly?  I was late to a meeting-slant-bible study, and the question/answer session was already started.  The gist of the question was this:  “Can a person love perfectly if they don’t know Jesus Christ?”, at least that is what I heard.

The short answer, of course, is no.  We can’t fathom a love bigger than ourselves without having the life and sacrifice of Jesus to provide an example for us.  The neatest thing about Jesus is that his brilliance doesn’t depend on human emotional/rational understanding.  We RECEIVE his grace whether we can explain it or not.

I brought up, though, my friend who loves people, his family, his life, and sets high standards for himself and his behavior.  He doesn’t believe in Jesus Christ.  (Yes, there is a big discussion about where his moral compass comes from, who defines right and wrong, what happens when he fails, etc.)

However, my question is this: do we accept or reject love from a person who doesn’t know and live the “Jesus way”? I just can’t think of a situation where I would refuse love/kindness/grace from a well-meaning person offering it.  Of course I only mean love in the vein of what the Bible describes as Agape love.  I think people can ‘stumble into’ God’s will, or I guess be used by God, even if they don’t believe in Him.  After all, haven’t we heard the story where a guy says, “Oh, I don’t believe in God”.  And the other guy says, “That’s alright, He believes in you.”

Can they unknowingly model ‘agape love’?

I mentioned CS Lewis who wrote, in The Chronicles of Narnia, about a horse or donkey who loved purely, but had never heard of Aslan.  Lewis’ contention is that love like that is still Godly love; it just hasn’t been explained to the giver yet.  I can’t find the reference so I’ll have to re-read all seven books (good idea, anyway).

Again, rephrased, do we have to UNDERSTAND God to love the way he tells us to?  We love Him; he loves us way better. We don’t get why.

But it doesn’t matter.

God saves every tear we have ever, and will ever, shed.  He has angels save them in bottles, or wineskins, if you read the King James Version.

Why?  When we finally meet Jesus in heaven, one of the things we might do (I don’t really know) is go see this storehouse of our tears, our prayers, our lives.  It will all be recorded, but somehow washed into a perfect clean by Christ’s death on our account.

When the old order passes away, we will have no more tears, no more pain, no more crying.  The way we hurt each other is the old order, and we won’t do that anymore.  There won’t be anyone verbally digging at us to score points.  No jokes that insult a group of people, or single out the different.

I can’t wait.

I know some friends, just today, that found out more of the unfairness of life.  As they cry and pray and search, take a lesson.  Because their prayers are made perfect in weakness.

That is how my teenagers tell me that they love me and still need me in their lives.  It isn’t easy for them to speak the truths of love, feelings, appreciation, validation, need in conventional ways.  My wife and I now know that if we push too hard, they just want more distance from us.  If we lay off, and step back, eventually they wander back into the room and ask us “what’s up?”.

As a matter of fact, sometimes they need my help.  I totally get, now, why my Dad is always happy to help me with dumb car stuff, or dumb house chores when he comes to visit.  It is fulfilling and heartwarming to do simple things with my nearly grown sons.  Check the oil, crawl around under the car reattaching that plastic thing that protects something, changing a tail light, driving in one of their cars to go get the pizza.  It’s ALL FUN!  I get to love them (not allowed to SAY anything about it at the time), and enjoy them being part of the world.

There is just no down side to that kind of interaction.  I’ll gladly pay for lunch.  All they had to do was ask.

Water Deep recorded a song, ”I Will Not Forget You”.  It starts out with “Many men will drink the rain and turn to face the clouds; many men will hear you speak, but they will never turn around.”

How sad the truth.  How accurate the phrase.

What can we do to help our friends realize that it is God’s voice that caused them to turn around?  Even though God formed the earth to make rain and weather (which makes doubters use science as an explanation), His mercy still falls like a drink of water to a parched throat. 

On a summer’s day, after the sun, wind, and dust of the Great Plains, my throat craves!  I lust after a huge glass of dark, freshly brewed iced tea.  I want to drink it until my front teeth ache, my stomach pooches, and there is still another gut-busting draught left in the glass.

THAT is where God wants me.  Thank God for – not the tea, it’s just the metaphor – the satisfaction to my itch, my unrest, YOUR sense of dissatisaction, unease, that “what am I doing with my life?” feeling.

God sends the rain on the just and the unjust; true.  The difference is this:  His faithful send prayers of thanks to him for mercy.  The unjust merely look for a way to gain from God’s blessing.